Best Toilet Paper to Wipe Shit Off of Your Ass

Poo management professionals opine on poop paper.

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Pooping is Shitty

Quite tragically, it is undeniably the case that us humans have to regularly vacate some of the food we ingest in the form of a smelly brown substance with a consistency somewhere on the spectrum of Play-Doh, paste, or melted ice cream. Iconically referred to as “shit,” this strange and off-putting goop also sticks defiantly to your asshole. This, it turns out, is not a simple matter to resolve.

You poo everyday and probably—hopefully—wipe just as often. They say you can never spend too much on your bed, because you sleep every night and it so important. Well beds are to sleeping what TP is to pooping, and getting good toilet paper is not nearly expensive as getting a good bed. Hold your butthole to a higher standard.

The Best Toilet Paper, and It’s Not Close

Pooping is kind of like a balanced diet, healthy but miserable. Rich people get the best ingredients and professional chefs to actually maintain a balanced diet, and the closest you can get to that is buying Quilted Northern to make pooping less miserable.

Quilted Northern is a well-known brand whose product is extremely rare, as it is both well-made and very competitively priced. It is virtually the only 3-ply toilet paper you can find at the same price point as the other major brands like Cottonelle and Charmin but are all 2-ply. Cottonelle is a well-known competitior that makes quality TP, but there “Ultra Comfort” line is 2-ply and costs <10% more.

This is the only product you should willingly exchange your money for with the sole purpose of then smearing with poop.

Price Comparison

3-Ply Quilted Northern vs 2-Ply Charmin, 6-Pack

3-Ply Quilted Northern vs 2-Ply Cottonelle, 24-Pack

The winner is clear and it isn’t even close. Look at the prices, and remember none of the others are 3-ply. The value is indisputable. Unless you buy the cheapest, thinnest toilet paper with the tensile strength of cotton candy, you should probably be buying Quilted Northern.

Is Amazon Basics Toilet Paper Good?

It is pretty good at wiping poop off of your buttcheeks… and getting poop on your hands.

Short answer is meh, pun intended. Are you thinking, “Wait, what pun?” Well, while the Amazon Basics Soft and Strong toilet paper measures up well enough in durability and comfort, the rolls are very short, or perhaps narrow (but then there is no pun). Basically, if you’re a fat-fingered fuck with wide hands, you will probably end up with shit on your fingers because the sheets won’t be wide enough to cover all of your hand. See the images below, which are actually kind of comical.

With that said, the Amazon Basics Soft and Strong 2-Ply toilet paper is pretty good and comparable to some of the other TP brands that provide solid quality and value and just a bit cheaper. If you already use narrow toilet paper or just don’t care, you will be satisfied with your Jeff Bezos shit-removal supplies.

The real advantage to the Amazon Basics Toilet Paper (or similar Amazon Basics products, epecially household things like this) is the pretty steep discounts through things like “Subscribe and Save” and other aggressive savings/deals Amazon frequently uses to push their own branded items.

Bamboo Toilet Paper? This is Getting Complicated

Seriously, it should tell you quite a lot that we didn’t just automatically default to recommending Poolala toilet paper because that name is fucking perfect. The toilet paper is pretty good too, and it really isn’t that much more expensive. But it is, like all hipster products with cool names and appealing, minimalist brand design.