J. Stupid
Addictive after one use and surprisingly affordable, but without the stigma of being a hardcore drug.
The whole world has been losing it over air fryers lately as if we haven’t already invented the best cooking equipment that isn’t a whole-ass stove. Considering that most people are idiots, statistically speaking you probably are, but we don’t even have to worry about that because these are very idiot friendly—no fire, damn near impossible to burn the food unless you leave it on while you entirely move out of your house and never come back, and it almost doesn’t even matter what you put in there. Granted, if you put dog shit in it I guess that would not come out well, and you are probably stupid so I guess it’s a possibility, but other than that it’s hard to fuck your food up in a Crock-Pot. You really should just go buy one now, but if you keep reading I do end up saying more than “CROCK-POTS are awesome” if you keep reading.
Crock-Pot Cooking: Actually Easier to Use than Crack
You do realize you can just throw anything in there with some water, go get drunk, then stumble into your kitchen and eat out of it with a spatula?
You don’t have to do anything. Do you like doing things? If you say yes, I call bullshit. You like saying you like to do things. Or maybe you like doing certain things a certain way under very specific and ideal circustances. You like to work, but only a certain job, on certain days, at certain times, otherwise it sucks asshole. However, I bet you like not doing things under just about any circumstances.
You don’t have to do anything except, technically, put the food in the Crock-Pot. There’s recipes all over the internet, but you don’t even need to glance at one. You can quite literally just put stuff in the pot. If the surplus of amateur cooking videos on Tik Tok have infected your life, you may have seen this first hand. There are endless videos out there of people putting damn near everything in their kitchen in their slow cookers, and still ending up with some decent-looking food.
NOTE: Despite the fact you can put literally any combination of nonsense in your Crock-Pot and have it come out good, please do not misinterpet what you see on Tik Tok…
You do not need to put an entire block of cream cheese in your Crock-Pot with everything you make. I mean, yes it will absolutely still be delicious, but holy hell why is that the default??
Effort is Overrated and We All Suck at Cooking
Everybody out here buying a whole ass chicken breast, just to cut it in half like it’s poetic and skillful—”butterfly” it, stop kidding yourself—and then smack it with a hammer. Now, I will not sit here and pretend that isn’t fun. I too want long to smack chicken with a hammer. But there are some of us who have ascended beyond our primitive, hammer-swinging impulses, evolving to a point where we put that whole unprepped chicken breast right in the Crock-Pot and, every time, it comes out better than whatever the fuck you tried to make.
Listen I know that sounds mean, but it applies to me too. It’s the truth and I don’t like it. I like to cook, and true to my amateurism I think that when I cook, it’s special, it’s “sooo” good. I proceed to put an untrimmed, unpounded chicken breast into a Crock-Pot, do literally nothing, and then get thoroughly humbled by how stupid fucking good the result is.
I think that’s the bottom line of this review, a Crock-Pot will embarrass you in the kitchen, make you feel like you were tricked when you were told cooking is a valuable skill. The only valuable skill is knowing where the inside of the Crock-Pot is. Also, if doing something pointless and violent is important to you, you can still use the meat hammer if you want.
The only valuable skill is knowing where the inside of a Crock-Pot is.
The Good
Everything.
The Bad
Nothing.
Alternatives
Crock-Pots are simply a brand of slow-cooker, probably the most popular and well-known brand, but there are many others. Crock-Pots do have some signature qualities.
Important Notes
One really important difference between Crock-Pots and crack cocaine is that while you should definitely buy a Crock-Pot and use it as much as possible, the same is absolutely NOT true for crack. You should definitely not buy or use crack cocaine under any circumstances whatsoever. Again, this is a really important detail. As a matter of fact, let’s be crystal clear.
You should not obtain crack through the exchange of money, trading of goods, or any type of favor… Though you should absolutely take every opportunity to obtain a Crock-Pot through any means available, and yes that does include sexual favors.
One really important difference between Crock-Pots and crack cocaine is that while you should definitely buy a Crock-Pot and use it as much as possible, the same is absolutely NOT true for crack.
