J. Stupid
In this Review
Delicious and addictive after one use, but conveniently lacking the stigma of being a hardcore drug.
Sexy Crock-Pots
You can get a basic Crock-Pot, that comes with a lid and 3 heat settings and can make insanely delicious food. Or you can get one of these beefed-up space-age Crock-Pots with cool features.
Look at the dipper one!! You know you want to use it…
6-Qt with Dipper $89
Highlights
Good Shit
- Idiot-friendly (no fire)
- Terrible cook-friendly
- $100 for a nice one, legitimately insane value
- You can be the most basic, unoriginal, uninspired guest at the party by bringing a 3 ingredient “Chicken Wing Dip” that tastes like Frank’s Red Hot and cream cheese… or something else hopefully
Bullshit
- Slow cookers are slow as fuck
- Hard to get any sort of crisp/crust/sear
- Losing brain cells because cooking with one is so simple (like how you probably lose brain cells when you smoke crack)
- Does not get you high, although you do get a hit of serotonnin when you open the lid after the first couple of hours
Crock-Pots: Easier to Use than Crack Pipes
The whole world has been losing it over air fryers lately as if humans have not already invented the best cooking equipment that isn’t a whole-ass stove. Considering that most people are idiots, statistically speaking you probably are, but we don’t even have to worry about that because these are very idiot friendly—no fire or even high heat, and damn near impossible to burn the food unless you leave it plugged in and then completely move out of your house.
It almost doesn’t even matter what you put in there. Granted, if you put dog shit in it I guess that would not come out well, and, as covered earlier, you are probably stupid—statistically speaking—so I guess it’s a possibility, but other than that it’s hard to fuck your food up in a Crock-Pot. You really should just go buy one now, but I do end up saying more than “CROCK-POTS are awesome” if you keep reading. And there are a whole bunch of different shapes, size, and even some sexy colors now we have to sort through.
Have you yet realized that you can just throw anything in there with a small amount of damn near any liquid, go get drunk, then stumble into your kitchen and eat out of it with a spatula?
You don’t have to do anything. Do you like doing things? If you say yes, I call bullshit. You like saying you like to do things. Or maybe you like doing certain things a certain way under very specific and ideal circustances. Many people like to work, maybe you do. But really, you only like certain tasks at a certain job, on certain days, at certain times, otherwise it sucks asshole. However, I bet you like not doing things under just about any circumstances.
“A Crock-Pot will make you feel like you were tricked when you were told cooking is a valuable skill. The only valuable skill is knowing where the inside of the Crock-Pot is. “
— Us, later in this post
You don’t have to do anything except, technically, put the food in the Crock-Pot. There’s recipes all over the internet, but you don’t even need to glance at one. You can quite literally just put stuff in the pot. If the surplus of amateur cooking videos on Tik Tok have infected your life, you may have seen this first hand. There are endless videos out there of people putting damn near everything in their kitchen in their slow cookers, and still ending up with some decent-looking food.
NOTE: Despite the fact you can put literally any combination of nonsense in your Crock-Pot and have it come out good, please do not misinterpet what you see on Tik Tok…
You do not need to put an entire block of cream cheese in your Crock-Pot with everything you make. I mean, yes it will absolutely still be delicious, but holy hell why is that the default??
Everybody out here buying a whole ass chicken breast, just to “butterfly it”—as if slicing a slimy slab of raw meat is poetic and skillfull like balet dancing or something—and then smack it with a hammer. Now, I will not sit here and pretend that isn’t fun. I too want long to smack chicken with a hammer. But there are some of us who have ascended beyond our primitive, hammer-swinging impulses, evolving to a point where we put that whole unprepped chicken breast right in the Crock-Pot and, every time, it comes out better than whatever the fuck you tried to make.
Listen I know that sounds mean, but it applies to me too. It’s the truth and I don’t like it. I like to cook, and true to my amateurism I think that when I cook, it’s special, it’s “sooo” good. I proceed to put an untrimmed, unpounded chicken breast into a Crock-Pot, do literally nothing, and then get thoroughly humbled by how stupid fucking good the result is.
I think that’s the bottom line of this review, you will end up embarrassed in the kitchen. A Crock-Pot will make you feel like you were tricked when you were told cooking is a valuable skill. The only valuable skill is knowing where the inside of the Crock-Pot is.
Best Alternatives
Crock-Pots are simply a brand of slow-cooker, probably the most popular and well-known brand, but there are many others. Crock-Pots do have some signature qualities, primarily the stoneware insert and portability. Brands like Ninja, Cuisinart, Hamilton Beach, and Black+Decker. In an attempt to compete with the superior slow-cooker, these alternatives often offer additional features, like being a pressure cooker, having a defrost fuction, yadda yadda. The Hamilton Beach slow cooker is basically a simple Crock-Pot and works exactly the same for only $70 or less.
Ninja Foodi Everyday Possible Cooker Pro
Family-Sized, Adjustable Temp Control.
BLACK+DECKER 7-Quart Slow Cooker
Built-in lid holder.
Hamilton Beach 6-Quart Slow Cooker
Basically just a cheap, sexy Crock-Pot.
Important Notes
One really important difference between Crock-Pots and crack cocaine is that while you should definitely buy a Crock-Pot and use it as much as possible, the same is absolutely NOT true for crack. You should definitely not buy or use crack cocaine under any circumstances whatsoever. Again, this is a really important detail. As a matter of fact, let’s be crystal clear.
You should not obtain crack through the exchange of money, trading of goods, or any type of favor… Though you should absolutely take every opportunity to obtain a Crock-Pot through any means available, and yes that does include sexual favors.
One really important difference between Crock-Pots and crack cocaine is that while you should definitely buy a Crock-Pot and use it as much as possible, the same is absolutely NOT true for crack.
Dumb Questions Frequently Asked
Generally, you can’t smoke crack out of Crock-Pot. However, you can (probably) smoke crack out of a cracked Crock-Pot. That would be pretty stupid though, kind of like smoking crack.
A pot for crocodiles. Or made out of crocodiles.
Just kidding, it is a slow cooker, known for it’s iconic removable “stoneware” and popular at potlucks and superbowl parties. If you genuinely weren’t familiar with Crock-Pots before this, just buy a cheap one, make something, then come say thank you in the comments. Though, you may find it hard to exrpess such an overwhelming amount of gratitude.
If you are asking this question, the answer is probably the 6-quart.
If kids outnumber adults in your house, you probably already know you need a big one and wouldn’t even ask this question. Same if you often cook for parties.
But if you aren’t sure and don’t want to buy a needlessly big one, 6-quart is the safe play. The smaller ones will occasionally frustrate you depending on what you are trying to stuff in there. Crock-Pot cooking is great, but much more so if you have room for the food you want to be Crock-Pot cooking.
Wtf are you talking about? Just go buy one, this is seriously not complicated.
(But, yes, they are. Very much so. )
